In some, they were credited with having foresight, the ability to predict things. In some they were credited with creating the future by dreaming it.  They were healers, mysterious people who spoke to the spirits, shamans and warleaders.  They were viewed with a level of fear and reverence that most modern cultures don’t comprehend.  They lived alone in some places, almost ostracized because the people around them couldn’t come to terms with the worlds they walked in.  In some cases they lived alone because they chose to, perhaps because the people around them annoyed them?  In some, they lived in the middle of their villages, a part of the culture and clan they were born to.

I wonder how it is that we came to live in a world without these people.  Rather, how we came to live in a world in which they are not recognized except as charlatans who work on psychic networks or who prey upon the gullible.  They are still among us.  They hide themselves, cloaked in jobs that utterly hide their true natures.  Just as often as not, they hide from themselves, denying their power for fear of being ostracized or worse, simply belittled by people who fear them.  Being feared is not, by the way, anything exciting or empowering.  It’s rather disconcerting and leaves one feeling a bit like they’ve come to pull the thorns from the lion’s paw and instead were invited to dinner; as the main course!

I know that we do not live in a world without dreamers, because I am one.  I know that they walk among us because I know others.  I do wonder though, given the stories, if we’re living up to what we are.  Do we discount our own power just because we have been taught to?  Why don’t the dreamers of today, dream?  Why don’t they create the world through their dreams as they are said to have done at one time?  Were we all raised to hear, “It’s just make-believe,” one time too many?

What kind of world would I dream if I could?

What kind of world would you dream?

There seem to be two primary camps of thought here.  One is a world that is mostly agrarian, or at the least utopian, where man and nature live in perfect harmony.  This world often resembles something along the stories of the “noble savages.”  Another is a technological world where man and machine blend together into super beings where one can no longer exist without the other.

The world I would dream is somewhere between the two.  A world where man lived in harmony with, and awareness of, the earth and the flows of energy through it; while also living in an advanced sort of harmony with machine.  I see no need for one to preclude the other.  Why not have cybernetic implants that enhance the ability of a human to grow plants for food, or pleasure?  Eye implants that bring to light the bacteria that destroy a crop, or the health or readiness of a plant for harvesting?  What about one that would allow someone to see the energy flow between humans, plants, animals, and machines?

Strange, perhaps, and I’m not so certain about the implant idea, but why not balance both and find harmony and health in doing so?  Wouldn’t it be better than having to either let technology run your life, and separate you from nature, or separating yourself from it completely?  Why can’t there be a balance?

I keep my dreams to myself for the most part.  Especially the real dreams, the ones that would frighten people around me, most wouldn’t want to hear them anyway.  I do wonder sometimes though, what would it take for dreamers to unite and dream a new way?

I wonder…

And I sleep, perchance… to dream?

I have absolutely no idea where to begin writing again.  My mind is such a jumble.  I have thoughts, ideas I want to explore, dreams I want to talk about, but by the time I get to where I can write, they’re vanished like a morning mist.

I don’t know how it’ll happen, but somehow, I’m going to start this up again and I’m going to keep up with it.  I need the outlet.  I need the ability to express the things in my mind that just don’t fit anywhere else in this world.

Let me qualify that a bit.  What I think makes a mate may not be what someone else thinks of.  To me, a mate is a partner, not to complete me, but to share life with.  It’s not someone I “need” or feel I “can’t live without.”  It’s someone who will encourage and believe in me, share their thoughts with me, want to know my thoughts, want to share time together, and not be stuck on whether or not we enjoy the same things, but learn to enjoy and be interested in things outside their normal range because those things are enjoyable to me.  It’s someone who will share with me the things they are interested in, whether it’s an interest of mine or not, and understand that I want that sort of sharing because it expands the world as a whole and that in understanding what someone loves, it’s possible to learn a great deal about that person and how they see the world.

I want someone who would also seek to improve their own life, someone who I can believe in, not because they have great ideas, but because they act on those ideas.  Even if they were to try and fail a hundred times, if there were a sincere effort, that is the spirit I would like to find in someone.

I want someone who understands that if partnered together, all my strengths and weaknesses are theirs to add to whatever list of strengths and weaknesses they have; and that theirs would also become mine.

I would just about give my eye teeth for someone who was responsible about their commitments, to me, to others, and to themselves.

Yes, someone who is caring, compassionate, strong, and who has and holds clear boundaries for themselves is also desireable to me.  As is someone who appreciates and respects my own boundaries.

I want someone who isn’t hell-bent on self-destruction, as well.  That seems to be a problem for me though, more than anything else.  I keep finding people who are engaged in some of the most self-destructive habits I’ve ever seen.  Narcissism by choice, abusiveness, self-abusiveness, low self-esteem, alcoholism, drug addiction, self-limiting based on familial or social perceptions, and so on.

So, I sit here, as I sat here last night, reviewing all of this in my mind.  My mother stated recently, after a conversation about my current relationship, that she figures I’ll have to “do it alone.”  She sounded sad when she said it, and did say that she hadn’t wanted that for me.  I was also somewhat sad when I replied that this is, apparently, how it will have to be.

I’ve been alone before, without so much as a date for a few years, in fact.  I had friends and people around who cared, but no relationship, no hope of finding someone.  At that time, however, I thought no one would want me.  I could not fathom anyone being sincerely interested in me.  That was a lifetime ago.  My son, now grown to early adulthood, was a small child then.  My daughters hadn’t even started school.

Now, it is a different situation.  I don’t think myself uninteresting, “too much trouble,” or any of the other things I thought then.  I have a dynamic personality, and despite the ongoing struggles with depression and anxiety, I honestly love life, and the living of it.  I’m intelligent, insightful, thoughtful, and caring.  I have a lot to offer, were I to come to a relationship.  It sounds arrogant to say it so plainly, I know.  We’re never supposed to admit our good points.

The problem now is that I have no real interest in continuing this quest for the holy grail of partnership.  I’ve watched what passes for a partnership in the relationships around me.  I’ve watched my own relationships.  While I’m sure my grandmother meant well when she said to marry your best friend, and to keep that friendship alive, I doubt she understood that it isn’t something that happens anymore.  No one out here seems to understand that part of a relationship.  Also, too few are interested in growing, becoming something new, or more than they were.  Too many are complacent, bored with life, and looking for someone else to fix it.

I am not the cosmic repair-woman.  If your life needs flushing, do it yourself.

And so, I look ahead.  I have a decent chance of selling photography soon.  I have people interested in my art work.  I am studying for my computer certifications and have a business plan coming together.  I have three children who are either new adults, or approaching adulthood, and who I am proud of and looking forward to seeing their lives unfold further.  I have friends who care and who I care about.  I am a quiet person, and shy in mediums outside of the internet, and this means that I don’t tend to go about to large social functions.  I rarely meet new people, but that’s fine too.  I am not happy about not finding the partner I wanted, but I am content without one.

My heart does hurt right now.  I still have to figure out how to break the heart of the man I’m with.  Despite his many problems, and the many reasons I can’t stay with him, he’s a good man and he loves me.  I just know that this will never work out as it is, and he doesn’t want to grow or change anything in his life.  I told him I would not marry an alcoholic, and that I would walk through recovery with him, but that I would not stay if he did not seek help.  It is time to stand up for my word and hold those boundaries I mentioned earlier.  It’s sad, and painful, but I’ve endured the end of a relationship before, and will survive this one.

I just wonder, is life alone so miserable by default that it should be avoided in the first place?  My happiest years were spent with only my children in my home in a tiny townhouse.  It was hard work, and frustrating, and stressful and exhausting, but it was also deeply rewarding and brilliantly enjoyable.  It’s the only time in my adult life that I found myself with moments of freedom to do or be whatever I chose, regardless of what others thought of me.

If that is what I have to look forward to, I should have no sadness remaining once the hurt of this relationship ending is healed.

What if I were to go out into the world with my camera and lay on the ground to get the perfect angle for a picture?  There would be no one around whose opinion of me mattered enough to stop it.

What if I were to go out into the world and decide on whim that I wanted to play music from the 50′s and 60′s and sing and dance with pure abandon to them in my home late at night?  There would be no one to complain that I was “too happy” or that I couldn’t sing properly or that my dancing was lacking in form or “correctness.”

What if I were out in the world alone and decided that the music I was listening to made me feel like dancing down the sidewalk?  Who would be there to tell me to not do that, or to comment one way or another?

What if I were in the world and I created several pieces of art and hung them on my walls?  Who would be there to say that they didn’t like them?

There is a freedom to being alone.  My great aunt found it.  She had a rich, full, happy life with her daughter and her friends.  She accomplished things and took care of herself.  She was, even to the last moment she was alive, when she gave me a message for our family, a woman with a chronic and infectious smile, who loved easily and freely, and who believed in living life for the experience of it.

May I be so blessed.

 ”Get your head out of the clouds, stop daydreaming.”

“I’m only telling you this for your own good.”

Our society talks a good game when it comes to encouraging dreams, believing in human potential and teaching that anyone can reach for their dreams. We talk the talk but we have a long history of not walking the walk.

The act of dreaming; of finding an idea or concept and chasing it down until it reveals the potential hidden within, takes tremendous courage and creativity. To take that raw concept and refine it into a deliberate course of action requires the capacity for using and applying logical thought. To stand up before even one person and say, “I have an idea,” also takes courage. It is a process that embodies the human spirit the desire to achieve, the desire to create, the desire to overcome.

This is where society breaks down. The promised response is, “What a great idea! What will you do with it?” My personal experience is that more people will respond this way to a new piece of furniture than to a dream. Instead, the dreamer is often met with a host of reasons why a dream will not work, or worse, why the dreamer is not adequate for the tasks the dream requires. The most abhorrent examples involve children and their dreams.

Children dream almost as if to prove that it is the natural state of a human to do so. They are also quite natural entrepeneurs. Lemon-aid stands have moved from reality to archetype, but children will see opportunity, dream the options and potential and announce the dream in mere seconds.

Mom makes great pies, she should sell them, a child will announce, as if wondering why no one thought of it before. Children at school always want me to make sketches of them, I should charge and work toward opening my own art gallery. I like dogs and teaching them tricks, I should become a dog trainer. The lists of dreams goes on and on, and a child will find a dream in almost every day.

Instead of being met with any sort of positive reinforcement or encouragement to even investigate their dreams, children are generally given very negative messages. “Get your head out of the clouds!”. “You can’t do that! You don’t know how/don’t have the money/lack the skill!”. One by one, the dreams are crushed out of a child until they learn not to dream. By the time a child reaches their teen years, they cease to dream except in the most casual sense, and often, dreams are kept in silence.

Our greatest inventors and leaders have begun with nothing more than a dream, an idea that something could be done and that they held the power to do it.  They failed and tried again and again before they found success.  They also heard those who said that they should give up, that they shouldn’t try.  They ignored those voices and pushed forward.

Society will not give way on this item.  It rarely gives way as a whole in the first place.  The individuals in a society can give way, though.  They can decide that the society is wrong and stand up against it.  One by one, act by act, individuals can begin the slow process of changing a society and making the acceptable become unacceptable.  Stand up today.  Listen to someone’s dream.  Hear out their idea.  Then, instead of acting as if that dream has no value, no meaning, show interest.  Tell the dreamer you wish that you’d had the idea first!  Then, ask the dreamer, “What will you do with it?  Have you thought about how to make it happen?”  Ask if you can help them.

Today, I began to realize that there are dreams still in this world for me to chase.  I have not had a dream to truly believe in for the last four years.  Dreams, I believe, fuel our lives.  Without them, I have learned, the world is a cold and desolate place.

I used to dream, and often worked and went to incredible lengths to achieve those dreams.  I was, just as frequently, blocked by matters over which I had no control.  After the last few were pulled away from me at the threshold of holding them in my hands, I stopped dreaming.

I have faced and battled depression, anxiety, a very generalized sense of hopelessness, and more in these last four years.  All of it was because I lacked a dream, a goal for which to strive.  All of it was because I believed that it was denied to me.

Today, that has changed.  Today, I have been presented with the opportunity I have waited for.  Today, the doors are not quite opened, but I understand how to open them.  Today, I feel reborn.  Today, I have found a new sense of purpose in my life, and it’s a goal and a purpose for myself, which makes it all the more meaningful and desireable to me.

I will not yet discuss what the goal or the dream is with any but those closest to me.  The rest of the world will have to wait to see what will be wrought.  I will have long days ahead as I prepare and complete the work that is needed.  I will have stress, anxiety and frustration as I seek to build on the wildly varied foundations of my past.

Today, however, I see that I will succeed.  It’s not fail proof, it’s not protected or divinely appointed to me.  I could fail.  I see how to succeed though, and how to avoid failure. 

I’m both holding my breath today, gasping in awe at the reality of all that has been unfolding for the past two days, and even spent time looking around to be sure that this dream is meant for me and not someone standing nearby.  But no, this one is mine to hold, to nurture and to grow.  I am equal to the tasks at hand to accomplish it.

I am in a space I have not stood in since December of 2005.  I had a dream and a goal and a vision, and it was so sound that the SBA offered me a large sum to reach it.  I did not wish to open a business from a position of debt, so I declined their offer, and the means I had to fund the venture were taken from me without warning.  That was the last real dream I had for myself.  That was the last time I looked at a plan and realized that I had something that would work.

Today needs to be remembered.  Today needed a footnote among the deeper ramblings to remind myself, and to announce to the world, “I am on my way to something great.”

Discussion and examination are, however, more than welcome.

I know that I am no Bible scholar.  Yet, perhaps this is why I see what I have seen.  I don’t wait for someone to tell me what something means.  I read, and while understanding the culture in which, and for which, a work was written, I can make value judgements about what I have read.  This is a part of the skill of reading, to not blindly accept a printed word, but to evaluate and seek understanding of it.  What I see is not often what is the “accepted” meaning. 

It has happened again.  I have realized something, and it is disconcerting to say the least.  I have no answer or explanation for it, except that there seems to be no refutation of what I have seen.

Those who know me well are aware that the fastest way to bring my full fury is to lie to me.  A lie will absolutely enrage me.  In the rare instances when I must tell a lie, I direct that rage at myself for letting myself get into a situation where I felt it needful to lie.  I hate deceit.

Yet, I feel I have been lied to.  I am, currently, in a state that resembles shock because of it.  I am also quite angry at the injustices that this lie has been used to gloss over or to ignore entirely.  I am angry at the lives lived believing in it, and at the people who have propogated it.

In Christianity, in the version I was taught at least, humans are given freewill.  It is what sets us apart from angels.  It is what allows us to have the chance at salvation.  My recent examination of this was actually begun from simple thought about the Asatru teachings of wyrd, or destiny.  One path teaching that there is a choice, one teaching that your life is written before it is begun.  Comparing and contrasting viewpoints is something that makes my mind a very happy place.

Thus it was that I stumbled into the realization that Christianity lies when it teaches freewill.  At the very least, it lies when it teaches that God wishes us to have a chance to choose.  The examples proving the point are so numerous that I found myself short of breath at the horrifying loss of human life, lives that were snuffed out and that were never granted validation.

First I looked at the story of Noah and the great flood.  The short version is, God got tired of people not following him, he had Noah build the ark, he flooded the entire planet, and left only Noah and his family alive with a bunch of animals. 

So, I went and looked this up again.  Most are familiar with the story, but there’s not a lot of actual reading going on.  My thought, when I went to look, was to see, was there a chance for mankind to turn away from not following God?  Was there a choice given?

Here’s what the Bible says:  (references taken from http://www.biblegateway.com)

[Gen 6: 1-3] ¹ When men began to increase in number on the earth and daughters were born to them, ² the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose. ³ Then the LORD said, “My Spirit will not contend with ^[a] man forever, for he is mortal ^[b] ; his days will be a hundred and twenty years.”

Wait… what?  God saw his sons, presumably angels then, marrying humans, got pissy and cut short the lifespan of the humans?  He didn’t like exactly what, by the way?  That his angels had families and left his side to be with them?  I’m already not liking this.  This sounds like a child having tantrums over not getting the toy he wants.  The idea of God cutting short a human lifespan over it sounds like the actions of a jealous, or mentally ill, lover who says, “If I can’t have him, no one will.”  As I said, this is already not helping the case to turn to aid Christian belief.

[Gen 6:4] ⁴ The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of men and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown. 

(Interesting side note: nephilim = children of angels and humans, and for those into the darker mythos’ in the world, if angels can have children with humans, and demons are fallen angels, then the stories about human/demon offspring are at the least, backed by this one statement in the Bible.)

[Gen 6:5-8] ⁵ The LORD saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. ⁶ The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain. ⁷ So the LORD said, “I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth—men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air—for I am grieved that I have made them.” ⁸ But Noah found favor in the eyes of the LORD.

Now, explain to me, please, where humans are given the choice?  God just sweeps over the earth, decides “This man isn’t bad, I’ll pick him.  Then he sets in motion the plan to destroy everything? 

See, here’s the problem.  I was taught that God loves us all.  If that’s the case, why did he spend the first part of the Bible destroying humanity in a fit of pique?  Why, and moreover, how could he do it?  God is portrayed as our father, our creator.  I am not a father, but I am a mother.  Yes, there have been moments when I was furious with my children.  I never wanted to harm them, though.  We put parents who kill their children into prison, or into mental hospitals.  Why does God get a free pass here?  If one person loves another and kills them, they go to prison.  Depending on what they do, they may go to death row.  Again, why is God seen as just in doing this?

But back to the issue of free will.  These people who lived on the earth at this time were not likely so different from those of us here now.  They were families.  They had parents, siblings, spouses and children.  They likely had dreams and hopes.  They mourned the passing of their elders.  They celebrated the birth of their children.  They loved, they warred, they created music and art.  They were human beings.

At no point in any of this do the people have a chance to hear “There is a God, he loves you.  He wants to help you have better lives, and wishes you to follow him.”

In fact:

[Gen 6:11-13 ] ¹¹ Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight and was full of violence. ¹² God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. ¹³ So God said to Noah, “I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them.

Notice that God mentions the earth being corrupted, and violent, but none of the diatribe I’ve heard so many preachers spouting about how the people were all gays and murderers.  No, the ultimate reason for the flood is, “the earth is filled with violence.”  Now, what have we to say about going to war?  (Nevermind the obvious hypocrisy, I’ll get to that one another time.)  There is, also for the record, no mention whatsoever of people mocking Noah, or even that anyone lived near enough to him to know he was building the ark.  No account of people scrambling at the sealed door as the waters rose behind them.  Thank you Hollywood.

So, the earth is wiped out.  Noah’s family survives.  God destroys everything, including, if there were the children of his children (nephilim), his own grandchildren.  No mention however that anyone was told “By the way, I know your parents/grandparents didn’t tell you, but there’s a god out here, you should get to know him.”  Not even an attempt to contact these people.

And time rolls forward, the stories continue.  We come to Abraham, a man called out of a city, in an age when people had again forgotten about (at some point) this god who destroyed the earth.  Abraham wasn’t born a Christian, or a Jew for that matter.  He was born to a pagan culture.  He left it, but how did he know to do so?  Because God reached out to him and said “Hey, come with me, okay?” 

Abraham is out wandering around with his household.  For those who don’t know, that doesn’t mean he and his wife.  It means him, his wife, their servants, their servants families, their slaves, all the herds, and so on.  He had a pretty decent tribe with him, even when starting out.  God decides he doesn’t like Sodom and Gomorrah.  They’re wicked and evil, he’s going to wipe them out.

I like Abraham.  I really do, and for this one thing alone.  I just think, as I read over all this again, that it is absolutely disgusting that a human have more compassion than the god he serves.  Not to fault the human, but to absolutely give reason to question the value and validity of the word of that god.

God sends visitors to Abraham who then tell him that they go to investigate claims of evil against Sodom and Gomorrah.  Abraham asks them to spare the city if there are fifty righteous in it.  Then he goes back until he bargains them down to ten.  They will have to find ten righteous men in the city to let it stand.  I call that some courage!  I also call it a sense of compassion, because Abraham knew what is never taught in our churches today.  These people also had children, wives, and dreams.  They were humans.  They weren’t Hebrew, or Christian, or followers of god, but they were human beings.  They were destroyed without a chance to turn back.  They died and God spared Lot’s family despite that Lot tried to buy off a crowd with his own daughters.  I’d have slit Lot’s throat and taken the women out.  What kind of father offers his daughters up to be gang raped?  What kind of god lets an act like that go unanswered?

The kind of god who says that we have the freedom to choose, but lies and destroys those who have never had the opportunity? 

Free will, under the teaching of the Christian church, is a myth.  There is no free will.  The sacrifice of Jesus did not change this.  Even in the end, having accepted Jesus will not guarantee salvation.  There is no “once saved, always saved.”  Your salvation can be taken from you even after your life, after you have no chance to correct things you may not have known were wrong at the time.

The evidence is here:

[Matt 25: 31- 46]The Sheep and the Goats

 ³¹“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. ³²All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

 ³⁴“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

 ³⁷“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

 ⁴⁰“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’

 ⁴¹“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴²For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

 ⁴⁴“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

 ⁴⁵“He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

 ⁴⁶“Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

So, there will be those who choose God, and who are still damned.  If that doesn’t scare the daylights out of every Christian, it should.  The story of “Choose God and live forever” is a lie.  Yes, a lie.  Let’s be very honest with ourselves on this.  People are deceived into Christianity every day.  There is NO promise of eternal life just because you said a prayer.  If you said a prayer and thought that was it, you’re setting yourself up for a fall that is pretty long.  If you’ve told people that this was all they had to do, you better go back and correct that now, while you can.  Of course, there’s also no mention of the people who are not, and never were Christian, who do these things.  Will they go to Heaven for filling the needs of their poor and imprisoned?  Not according to the way salvation is taught.  It smacks of a horrible double standard to me, but that’s just my take on the matter.  No points for doing the right thing without the threat of Hell.  Nice way to cripple the human desire to be compassionate?

According to these things though, there is no free will.  Jesus said to go into all the earth and teach.  But what about the people who lived generations without hearing?  According to the example of the old testament, they’re all damned.  There is no place they’ll be sent after death, no limbo in which to wait.  They were not given a choice.

I’ve been taught to value life, all life.  I’ve been taught, and believe strongly, that generosity, a sense of charity and caring, are valuable traits to have, and that each life has value.  I’ve been taught to stand up for what is right, and to stand against those who would harm others unjustly.  I’ve also been taught, and believe, that lying is one of the worst things you can do.  So why is God lying, and if God isn’t, why are people lying about him? 

Either way, it does seem that the entire concept of free will is a myth.  Either a myth or a practical joke that went badly wrong.

The one comment I keep hearing is that a certain politician was a great politician at a local level.  It’s usually someone who had a reputation as being an advocate for “the people” who was elected to higher and higher positions.  Then, upon arrival in Washington D.C., they “forgot” about the people and started being like “all the other politicians.”   This opinion is almost uniformly followed by sagely facial expressions and knowing tones that state, “Power corrupts.”

While approaching the status of quotes that have survived centuries, the origin of that statement is traced back to the 1800′, making it fairly recent despite the grave and ancient-sounding import with which it, and the full version of it, are spoken.  The reality is, power is not what corrupts.  If one begins with a person of principle, then that person will remain a person of principle.

Why doesn’t it seem to work in government offices, though?  Why is it that the member of the city council who works to aid their neighborhood will slowly climb the political chain and then seem to forget the people at home?  Why would someone who started out preaching in a small church that was too poor to afford air conditioning end up growing a large church, or chain of churches, only to fall prey to drugs and adultery?

The problem is not that the power has corrupted anyone.  The problem is that the person was already inclined in these directions in the first place.  Their motives are rarely questioned because we, as humans, want to believe the best of those around us.  We want to believe, and in many cases have a need to believe, that the politician seeks to go from council member to mayor to state representative to senator and possibly to president solely because there is an innate desire to help people in their mind and heart.  We want to believe that the minister who takes a church of 20 and turns it to a church of 20,000 plus televised broadcasts, does so because he believes that the world needs to hear the message of Jesus and to find salvation.

What we want to believe has the power to blind us, if we allow it to cause us to see only what we want to believe and not what is.

The reality is, regardless of the arena that gives birth to a powerful figure, the person who takes the power is inevitably doomed to betray the faith of some or all of their followers because they are seeking power, not to be faithful to those who give them power.  To continue to support the concept that power is what causes the corruption serves only to continue to excuse the bad behavior of those who assume leadership positions, who often work for decades to achieve the power they desire, and to give “the people” hope in individuals who have no care for the best interests of the people that they claim to represent.

The problem is this; there are few truly good leaders who are not, in some fashion, corrupt.  The reality of that is that a pure person could not lead a large group.  A person who had never experienced a downfall, who had never betrayed a trust or been betrayed, who had never misrepresented or blatantly lied about something would not be capable of understanding the people that they lead on any meaningful level.

The solution is not to overthrow the leaders that we have, or to destroy the government that leads our nation.  The solution is to recognize that people who seek power have motives for doing so.  Some of these motives benefit the people they lead, some do not.  Instead of listening only to promises during an election process, the question that needs to be asked is, “What is it that you want, for yourself, in this effort?”  In asking such a question, and in being willing to hear the truthful answer clearly, we would be far more capable of choosing leaders who would guide the nation in the direction we wish to see it take.  As of the current moment, I do not believe that the people of this nation are capable of asking such a question, or of hearing the responses.

Leaders in our nation receive multiple benefits ranging from financial reward even to shelter from prosecution in some cases.  Having that power, even if the individual is corrupt, is not necessarily a bad thing.  What we need, however, are leaders who will be honest with us and answer the question, “What do you hope to gain for yourself?”

If the prospective leader responds that they wish to gain money, then it is not likely that they need that position.  Many have complained bitterly as taxes increase following a pay raise our “concerned” representatives vote through for themselves.  If the prospective leader states that they see the world as a chess board and they wish to “win the game” then it is possible that this is someone we should vote for.

Withhold your horror, dear reader.  The question that follows is simply, “What game are you playing and what is the objective?”  The answer to this question is going to tell us, swiftly, whether this is a candidate we wish to consider further.

Consider then, these possible answers:

- To create a new image for the nation as a beneficient world power.

- To see our nation return not only to power, but to being the most powerful nation on the earth.

- To set a tone for internal growth that will carry on beyond my life.

- To gain the respect of the world for our nation through diplomacy and military strength.

- To make our nation a leader in ____(field) and set things in motion to keep us there.

Perhaps we would need to probe more deeply, but my guess is that every reader of those options has at least one that they are instantly opposed to, and one that they like, or one that they feel I should have included.

Again, this all comes back to the fact that at the present, we fail to respect reality.  Reality demonstrates that those who seek power do so for personal gain, not to benefit others.  We are all, even our leaders, much like those who have been wounded as children and who now turn to the fields of psychiatry and social work in an effort to heal or defend others from similar situations.  We are each driven to the things we do by the sum of our experiences.  Expecting something different, some puritanical standard of thought and deed from our leaders only sets us up to remain dissatisfied and to feel betrayed and misunderstood by those leaders.  Who are we to demand understanding and compassion from those we offer neither to?  Who are we to demand power over those we feel power has corrupted?

I made myself a promise, long ago, that I would not fight the signs of aging when they came to me.  I might not fully surrender, I agreed with myself, but I would not wage the vain war that this society tells me I must wage.  Realizing that while I have enjoyed the red hair, it really isn’t doing much for the quality of my hair to continue washing it in chemicals every month or two, I opted out of continuing something I maintained out of habit. 

I also realized, in my recent observations, that my hands are beginning to show the early signs of aging.  The skin is not quite so smooth or supple.  The creases around my knuckles are a little deeper.  At times when I am tired or under large amounts of stress, the vessels stand up a bit on the back of them.  Some of the freckles I used to have are suddenly missing, and others look a little darker, and perhaps larger.  My face also shows the earliest signs of aging.

I am not saying any of this with a tonality that cries against an injustice.  Nor do I speak from a place of despair or regret.  I see what is, I recognize that it means the “blossom of youth” has finally begun to give way to the early signals of autumn’s approach.  It is what it is, nothing more.  I am human and that means that with time, my body will age.  Arguing or complaing about it, crying and fighting against it, is all rather pointless, isn’t it?

The society we live in is rather amusing to watch, and heartbreaking to participate in.  We spend the first part of our lives trying to become older.  We know that when we’re another year older, we’ll be happy because we’ll have that new freedom.  We are certain that turning 16 means freedom from having to ask for rides and 18 means freedom from having to listen to our parents, and the elusive 21 means freedom to visit bars and drink ourselves into stupidities we can’t imagine when sober, provided that we recall them afterwards at all.

And then, the tides shift somewhat.  Thirty, for women is “the beginning of the end.”  Unmarried at 30 leaves us assigned to the lives of spinsters, and thirty is when our bodies “give up on us.”  We run to fat, you know.  We become horrid, saggy, wrinkled masses, lose all appeal to the men in our lives, and are resigned to drunken nights in seedy bars hoping to catch a man who’d be so kind….

So then we spend the rest of our lives trying to become young again.

Well, if we’re trying to be older for so much, and trying to be younger for the rest of our lives… am I the only one who has asked us how we know what it’s like to be young, or middle aged, or old?  I mean, if no one is building houses, how can we know what it’s like to build one?

And so, while I am here at the leading edge of the process of becoming old, I renew my vows to myself.  I will not argue or resist, whine or cry or fight against this process.  This is nature.  This is the changing of the moon and the turning of the tides, the migration of birds and the turning of seasons.  I do not promise to grow old gracefully, but I do promise to accept it as it comes, in whatever time it comes.

And once I have grown old, I will let everyone else know what it’s like to become old without the fight against it.  Finally we’ll know what it’s like to build a house.

My views on money have not changed with the tides of the economic crisis.  The reality is, I see no crisis.  It is no more an economic crisis than winter is a weather crisis.  Yes, it’s inconvenient.  Yes, there are hazards.  Yes, there are those who will not sail through it unscathed.  I do not mean to make light of those who have lost or suffered in this economy.  I am among them, myself.

Yet I think that what this nation still misses is that the axiom handed down to us by our Puritan founders which says, “Money is the root of all evil,” is not true!  I think it also misses that the newer axiom, spawned like the tantrum of a child in their attempts to rebel and define themselves, which says, “Money is the source of happiness,” is equally false.  Money is neither the root of evil, nor the source of happiness.  Ascribing such extreme value statements to any inanimate item is rather like writing an essay and declaring “all” of anything is such and such way.  Sweeping generalizations are flawed, in writing, debate, and especially in thought processes.  The reason they are flawed is that they do not allow for exception, but they also do not allow for review of a idea, or of the process that brought about the idea.  Often I have found that when someone holds an extreme view it is because they are either angry, afraid or because they hold the view someone told them to hold.

To think from a place of anger or fear is human.  Being able to think from those places has allowed humanity to survive.  To think from that place and never look at the thoughts it has generated after the immediate need to think from such a place has passed is a sign of an unthinking mind.  To follow what those we trust or admire have said is also human.  Often we are told to use the examples of those who have had success.  What we do not seem to also understand is that someone who has had success may not always have the right of a thing.

So, we find ourselves in a financial nightmare, individually, and as a nation.  More and more people begin to decry materialism and declare again that money is the root of all evil.  I declare that money is not the problem.  It never has been and it never will be.  Money is also not the source of happiness, and if it is the only source of happiness in someone’s life, then that person has greater issues within themselves than money can repair.

Money is a tool, nothing more.  If you desire great material wealth, then perhaps money will help you gain it, as it allows purchase of large items in this world.  If you desire nothing but a simple life, money can also enable this.  It is of no more value than a hammer, and like a hammer, if misused, you may hurt yourself or someone else with it.

I have several in my family who declare money is the root of all evil.  Oddly enough, these are the successful people in the family.  I have not asked, as they would not answer, but I wonder if they regret the years they lost to the acquisition of their wealth.  Was it worth the years of not knowing children as they grew?  Was it worth the child who attempted suicide because she thought her father did not love her?  Was it worth the son who left home and never returned, parting with the statement that he was tired of waiting for his mother to have time for him instead of her bank account?  They live quite comfortably, these family members.  They have large houses with beautiful yards.  Their children were given the best of everything and their retirements are secure.  Yet, they live with families which are broken.

At the other end of the spectrum are family members who state that money is the root of all evil, and who have no money.  They work through their retirement years.  They’ve worked all their lives and seen little gain, if any.  They also have broken families, and they have no means to care for themselves if they fall ill. 

Two sides in the same family, both declaring money to be the source of their troubles, but for reasons that are polar opposites.  It makes a decent argument about money being the root of all evil, if all you look at is the surface.

What happened in both instances is that the people sought money, and little more.  There was no joy in life, or in the living of life.  Every ounce of energy they possessed was focused on gaining money.  They ignored the needs of their families, and themselves.  They ignored the greater world beyond their immediate need for money. 

Money is, in this world, a necessity.  Utility companies will not provide services for barter.  Some foods can be gained through barter, if you know people who have gardens and you have something they want and are willing to trade for, but many items cannot be gained this way.  Clothing, even if you make your own, must still be purchased with money. 

Money is not, however, a “necessary evil.”  To take this view puts a weight of drudgery on anyone seeking to earn money.  That weight breeds resentment, against companies who have stated their terms and requirements clearly, against family members who require money for food, housing, or medical expenses, and so on.  Resentment of this sort warps and crushes the soul.  It then manifests in depression, anger, and resentment of those around us.  It breeds hatred of those who have more money, and egotistical stances against those who have less.  Ultimately, it will turn to weighing self-worth by how much money, or how many items purchased with money, are held.

This is the source of the evil which is so often ascribed to money.  Not money itself, but the views held because of the resentment we cling to.  If we step back for a moment and weigh the things in life which are truly pleasurable, things which truly add value to ourselves and our lives, we find that money is not truly among those things.  Even those who assert that money enables them to have the things which they value will find that money itself is not the thing which has value, but rather the enjoyment or personal growth they gain from what is purchased with money.

As an example, if someone seeks money because they want to use it to further their education, it is not money which brings the enhancement, but rather the education itself.  If someone seeks money because they wish to purchase a certain car, it is not the money that brings enjoyment, but rather the owning and use of the car they desired.  If someone seeks money because they want to send their children to private schools, it is again not money, but the knowing that they have provided the best opportunity to their children which brings a sense of pleasure and achievement.

We become too attached to money, though.  We complain about spending it, even when purchasing the things we so desire.  We hoard it and are loath to use it, even for necessities.  We receive our bills in the mail and open them with a sense of dread, even when we know that there are sufficient funds to cover the expenses.  This is self-defeating as money is, again, merely a tool.  We have earned for the purpose of using it, whether to make purchases, pay bills, or to invest for our futures.  To invest so much of our energy into the earning of money and then resist or regret the use of it is counter-intuitive.  The sense of dread regarding spending, or regarding the use of the funds we have earned is entirely self-defeating and robs us of the pleasure of being able to use those funds.  This is a fear born of scarcity teaching.

We are taught that money will leave us, like a callous lover who woos and then abandons us just as we trust them.  Yet money has no mind or thought, no internal intent.  Money is not capable of this manner of behavior.  Like any material item however, money can be misused and “lost.”  If treated as one would treat an expensive piece of equipment, with respect for the fact that anything which is misused will not last long, money will last, and often lasts beyond the bounds of those who declare that the amount is not sufficient.

Churches teach that if we give, then our generosity is rewarded, in this world, by the return of our funds seven and ten fold.  This teaching is so complete that I know many who will claim that when they cease to give money to their churches, they fall on financial difficulty.  Yet, having observed these same people, I recognize that often the giving begins or is at the very least more diligently done, when financial hardships have fallen.  If one gives to a church while seeking work, when there is no income, then certainly, it could seem that giving to the church causes financial improvement after a new source of income is found.  The reality is, many churches are increasingly predatory upon their memberships, some even requiring authorization for automatic bank drafts to pay “tithes” to the church.  The assumption is that these tithes are used to pay for church expenses and for outreach to the less fortunate.  The reality is that the pastors make more in their yearly salary than many of their flock, and live in better homes, driving better cars, while those who have tithed so faithfully are struggling to keep their homes, or simply to put food on the tables.  We have returned to the age of the pharisee, and the pharisees of today broadcast their message and their requirement for more income on national television and privately owned stations.

The Bible does teach about money, and it teaches a great deal.  It teaches to be a steward, and to manage your funds wisely, to invest in ventures which cause your money to grow.  It also, though this message is not taught often, teaches that those who speak the messages of the Bible are not to have an income, but to rely on donations from their flock.  Not tithes, but donations.  Tithes made to the temple in ancient Jerusalem were not used to provide wealth for the priests, but were to be used to care for orphans and widows.  Even at the founding of the priesthood, the priests were authorized to eat a portion of the offerings that were brought.  Again, no tithe supported them.  Jesus told his disciples to go into the world as they were, without even a change of clothing, and to teach.  He certainly did not tell them to book first class passage and broadcast their message from the comfort of their home town once a week while living in luxury. 

Today, churches teach that money is evil and that the congregants must let go of their greedy ways and give money to the church, but the reality is, it is the church which has become greedy and predatory, and is loathe to use those funds to truly aid the members of its congregation.  I have wondered many times why it is that these churches, with so much money coming in, did not step in early in the US housing crisis to provide relief to the families within their communities.

I understand, even as I write this, that some may become angry with me for stating things as I have.  I understand that.  I have been in a place where these words would have angered me.  I do not ask anyone to question their faith.  I do however refuse to sit silently and not ask questions that require thought.  If you are reading this and find yourself ready to respond to my commentary in anger, whether it seems righteous or not, I ask only that you step aside from your anger first, and think.  Be very honest with yourself.  What is the real source of that anger?  Are you certain that the thoughts you have, in defense of a church you feel loved by, truly justified?  Is your church among the few that truly reach out to their congregation and the community around it, or are you among those who have been blinded by the lights of the cameras as they film your pastor in his tailored suit while you wonder what is left to feed your family that day?

I am not, for the record, a woman of great wealth.  I have struggled, I have been unemployed for a long period of time and I understand the despair that comes from not having enough money to purchase food, clothing, or even housing.  I understand the tendency to cling to money and to hoard it when the drought breaks, for fear of finding a similar situation thrust upon me again and the determination to never allow it again.

I have come through that place of thinking to a place where I recognize that it is not money which is the source of the trouble, but the manner in which it is viewed.  I recognize that it was not the loss of income that caused me to struggle, but my despair over it.  It was not the loss of freedom to go forth and spend which caused grief and strain, but rather the now strange concept that money was required to find enjoyment in life.

I challenge those who read this, in whatever financial situation, to step aside from your bank accounts and your finances for a single day.  Plan a day where you will be away from your home, and find a way to enjoy yourself.  Go out, take a sack lunch and be a tourist in your own area.  Take along a close friend or your family, or even a pet if you happen to find yourself without human company.  More shocking still, go alone, by choice.  Walk the streets and truly view the area in which you live.  If you have a lake nearby, go and spend some time walking near it.  Fish, if you like, and think on the fact that in fishing, you could provide a healthy meal to your families.  Take a walk in the forest and find out how many trees you can identify, or how few.  Find the holes in your life that are screaming for fulfillment, places where money has no place in which to insert itself.  If you usually drive, leave the car behind.  Walk, ride a bike or take a bus.  The point is to insert yourself fully into your world.  Until you do, you will not find a life beyond the seeking of money.  Once you do, you will find yourself learning more about how much money really means to you, and how much of life is missed when it means too much.

The path you are on is not better than the one someone else walks, except for you or you wouldn’t be there.

Power does not corrupt what is not corrupt to begin with.